Building Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

We know that having boundaries and being able to maintain them is important (more on that here), but what does that actually look like in practice? If you struggle with boundaries, it’s likely that you have some deeply held beliefs or past traumas that make it hard for you to even know what a healthy boundary is.  In fact, sometimes when people set a healthy boundary, they actually feel bad (guilty) so it’s hard to even listen to our gut or go with what “feels good.” 

What are the signs that a relationship has healthy boundaries? We feel safe, we can be honest, we own our own feelings, and we can be apart from each other.  There are more, but for the sake of brevity, these are the four that I like to focus on.   I believe that if a relationship has strengths in these four areas, that it is most likely to be healthy and beneficial.  Challenges in each (or all) of these areas might indicate that the relationship is unhealthy, codependent, or possibly even abusive.

So what can we do to improve our relationships in each of these areas?

1.      Safety

No one should ever feel unsafe in an intimate relationship, friendship, or any other kind of relationship.  Healthy partners and friends are people who want us to feel safe.  If you don’t feel safe in your relationship, address this with your partner.  If they are not willing to work with you to help you improve the safety in your relationship, consider ending the relationship.  It won’t get any better without feeling safer.

2.      Honesty

We only really know that someone likes us when we are honest with them.  It’s important to be ourselves in a relationship- to have our own thoughts, opinions, feelings, beliefs and to share them.  When we hide behind a mask, people like the mask, not us.  And our brains know the difference!  Start by just expressing opinions- maybe about things that don’t even really matter- just to get in the practice of expressing your authentic thoughts and feelings (and letting people really get to know you!)

3.      Owning Our Feelings (and not our partners’)

Our partner doesn’t ever “make” us feel, do, or think anything (nor can we “make” our partner).  Our partner has behaviors, we interpret those behaviors and respond to them.  It’s really important that we take ownership and control of the one brain that we have control of- our own.   We can actually change our perception and our emotional responses and we don’t have to wait for our partner to change to start to have more peace.  Your first step- noticing and acknowledging your feelings as they happen.

4.      Spending Time Apart

Some couples thrive by doing literally everything together- work, home, socializing- but I would say this is a rare case in my experience.  Maintaining separate work, interests, or social circles can actually add depth to our relationship.  If our partner has different interests, we may have different things to learn from them! They bring different skills or social connections to our shared table.  Additionally, I find that it is really important for many people to feel like they are maintaining their sense of self even though they are in a relationship.   (If you’ve lost yourself in relationships before, you know what this is about!) Spending time apart can also bring about a sense of longing for our partner- we miss them or want to share the experience with them.  This kind of experience of longing can add romance and emotional intimacy into new and established relationships alike.   Find one thing to do by yourself FOR yourself (even if just for a short amount of time), then talk about your experience with your partner.

Looking for a therapist that can help you build safer, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships? Reach out today to schedule your free consultation!