Overcoming Codependency and Fostering Independence

I struggle to even use the “C-word”, Codependency, in this blog post because the word itself has such negative stigma associated with it.   When I talk to clients about what they think of when they hear the word codependency they cringe, they “hate that word”.  I had a client say “it means that I want all of these people to be dependent on me, but believe me, I absolutely do not!”  I’ve had clients tell me that it makes them think that they are weak, stupid, gullible, and a “constant victim.”  I’ve even had other therapists include eye-rolls and exasperated tones when discussing people with codependency- like they are just attention-seeking hangers-on to someone else’s “real problem.”

As a therapist that specializes in codependency, I get it.  The phenomenon itself includes a wide range of behaviors, occurs at varying levels of severity, cooccurs with multiple other mental health conditions, and includes a person making conscious choices that often give the impression that codependency is a conscious choice in and of itself.

To me, the real definition of codependency is a pattern of chronic self-abandonment.  This pattern can occur across contexts (like work, home, and with friends) and results in the individual feeling consistently anxious, depressed, resentful, or angry.  This self-abandonment happens as a result of deeply held (and often time unconscious) beliefs that we hold about ourselves.  Beliefs like- I’m only worthy if I’m helping, it’s my responsibility to help or save everyone, or people only love me when I’m giving them something. 

Want to start letting go of the codependent patterns in your life?  Don’t do anything drastic!  Start today with one action just for yourself.  Take a few minutes to do something that you like- just for you! Start demonstrating to yourself that your needs and wants matter.  This little action will start to snowball before you know it!