Don’t Let Your Attachment Style Define You

In the 1950s, Erik Erikson’s pioneering work on the 8 Stages of Psychosocial Development Across the Lifespan demonstrated to academics and psychology practitioners that the love, nurturance, and reliability that children receive in their first two years of life sets the foundation for the social relationships going forward.  Erikson called this first developmental stage “Trust vs Mistrust”.  He said that from the ages of 0-2, children either learn that they can trust their caregivers, or they can’t- caregivers that are reliable and responsive can be trusted.  And those that aren’t, can’t be.  According to Erikson this early experience sets the stage for how we view the world and as such- the idea of attachment and attachment styles was born.

In the following years and decades, research identified four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized.

Secure attachments: caregivers were reliable and responsive.  The child has strong relationships, sense of trust, and self-esteem.

Anxious attachments: caregivers were inconsistent- sometimes responsive and sometimes not.  The child becomes anxious, fearful of leaving the parent, and needs a lot of reassurance.

Avoidance attachments: child’s physical needs were met but not emotionally, caregivers were not emotionally present for the child.  The child becomes distant, emotionally closed off, fiercely independent.

 Disorganized attachments: the child’s needs were not consistently met and there may have been abuse or neglect.  The child’s behavior is often impulsive and inconsistent.  It is hard for these children to trust others. 

It doesn’t take a very big leap of logic to recognize that children with secure attachments are more likely to grow up to be mentally healthy adults, whereas the children with other attachment styles will likely have different outcomes.  BUT!! The most important thing about any of this is to remember that your attachment style DOES NOT DEFINE YOU!

It can be really helpful to understand and have vocabulary to describe what happened to us before we were verbal and to be able to recognize the impact that has had in our lives.  However, just because you had an avoidance attachment style as a child does not mean that you are doomed to continue it the rest of your life.  We absolutely can heal our past traumas, even traumas that happened before we had the words to describe them. 

Want to know more about how I can help you heal your past traumas and have healthier relationships? Send me a message to schedule your free consultation today!