Why Boundaries Actually Improve our Relationships
Romance novels and buddy films would have us believe that true love and true friendship is dedication to one another- no matter what. A best friend is someone who we share “everything” with; our partner should be the person who “completes us”; if we love our job, our coworkers and bosses are “like family.” We romanticize this notion of a boundless love and “ride or die” loyalty, but in reality, this kind of thinking causes a lot of hurt for people.
The definition of relationship is: the ways in which two or more objects, concepts, or people are connected. A relationship, by definition, can’t exist with just one. So if we are “one” with someone else, there isn’t a relationship.
Of course I know that physics and semantics aren’t the reality of human relationships and that even if people describe themselves as “one” with their partner, friend, or whomever else, they are still a separate person. The problems arise when we don’t treat each other like separate people- with our own wants and needs. We may treat other people instead as just an extension of ourselves, which invalidates their existence and, quite frankly, puts a lot of pressure on us. If we don’t have any boundaries, their problems become our problems – but without the power to actually change any of them (since we can’t control other people).
Having and maintaining boundaries is essential to maintaining our sense of self and therefore, building healthier and more fulfilling relationships. I believe that we can only truly have fulfilling relationships when we are seen and appreciated for who we are, which means being seen and appreciated for being separate and different from someone else. No one else can complete you because you’re already complete!
Do you struggle with setting boundaries? Start small! Here are some simple ways to start setting boundaries:
1. Set a time limit for checking work emails/messages after hours and make yourself stick to it!
2. Carve out 1 hour or 30 minutes out of your week for alone time to do whatever you want to do. Maybe this is on your lunch break, before the kids wake up on the weekend, or after they go to bed. Take a little bit of time just to allow yourself to be 100% you.
3. Ask for something that you want or need. Even taking the steps of making a small request can get you in the practice of advocating for what you need.
What has helped you learn how to set better boundaries? Share your experience in the comments!
