Your Behavior Makes Sense

A client of mine has been trying to understand herself.  She has read all the books, been on all the medicines, seen all the therapists.  As she put it “I’m an expert in what people should do, just not for myself.”  And while she acknowledged that she had made substantial changes in her life, she still struggled to have any kind of compassion for herself. Not to mention she was noticing that her old patterns were just showing up in different ways. 

She came to me for my expert advice on what she should do to be better.  She wanted strategies, rationale, education.  Despite everything she knew, read, researched, and studied, she still couldn’t understand her own behavior.

And because she couldn’t understand it, that meant it was illogical and irrational.  Which to her also meant it was stupid, bad, and was a source of shame. (As a very intelligent woman she valued rationality very strongly, many people do.)

“Well, to be completely honest with you,” I said “your behavior makes perfect sense to me.”

She looked surprised and started to cry. “Really?” she asked, through her tears.

“Yes,” I explained “It makes sense to me, that a person who experienced the things you did as a child, would grow up to do the things you do today as an adult.”

The truth is that it’s a very common pattern of human behavior for children who grow up in chaotic environments and who experience trauma, like she had, to struggle with addictions, relationships, and instability in adulthood- also like she had.  Even though, as an adult, she “knew better.”

No one had ever told her before that it made sense.  The relief in her was palpable, even through the distance of the internet. 

Human brains are algorithmic. From our birth, and even before, our neurons are wiring together in different “if/then” configurations, based on the data provided by our environment that intercepts with our sense organs (skin, eyes, ears, tongue)- this is what we call learning.

If touch causes pain = avoid

If taste causes pleasure = seek

And so on and so on, algorithms getting more and more complicated as we develop throughout our lifespans.

If behavior causes social judgement which causes pain = avoid

If behavior causes social judgement which causes pain but pain is decreased by behavior = do behavior then increase guilt which increases pain but pain is decreased by behavior = do behavior….

The variables in these equations look different for all of us, but the basic mechanisms are the same. 

Humans seek out attachment, comfort, safety, acceptance, stimulation, and release.  These are our most basic psychological needs.  Our behaviors will help us meet these needs- even when those same behaviors mean our own self-destruction. 

The problem is that because the algorithms are so complicated, and activate subconsciously, they don’t appear to make any rational sense to us in the moment.

Have you ever asked yourself- “What the hell am I even doing?”

I know I have.

You feel like you’re on autopilot, just moving through space and time- somehow getting through. You might even be wishing that things could change, wondering why you keep ending up in the same place over and over again.

It’s not your fault.  It’s just your algorithm.

But here’s where the good part comes in- you can change it.

You have the power to adjust your algorithm, rewire your brain, and make different connections.   That’s Change- with a capital C.

Don’t know where to start? I can help.